This is an excerpt from the book Developing a Million-Dollar Relationship: A Man’s Strategy to a Real Relationship 

     Last summer, I was watching the Home Run Derby during the all-star break. As I was watched, I couldn’t help but wonder, “What would the game be like if the players didn’t know how many home runs they hit, the distance it traveled, or who won?” Most likely complete boredom; fans worldwide enjoy the rush of gazing at the scoreboard and hoping to see their favorite player at the top. Not only does a player become truly able to appreciate his or her performance, but the competition challenges them to drive for more. Sometimes an athlete’s greatest opponent is their own record.

     Successful corporations drive their companies with a similar method as a sport scoreboard. They compile a company’s success in the form of quarterly results, shareholder numbers, and market share and compare them against their competitors. You cannot know where you are going or where you have been until you know where you stand.

     My wife and I have a scoreboard of our own. While its actual existence may exist only in our minds, it does serve a real purpose. About once a week, either at breakfast or somewhere we are alone, we ask each other, “Am I meeting your needs this week, or do you feel that I am doing a good job at meeting your needs?” If the answer is yes, we move on; however, if the answer is no it is very essential to listen with an open mind. Instead of feeling like my wife is complaining, I think of her just giving me her score. Just because the answer was yes last week, doesn’t mean that it will be so all the consecutive weeks as well. Relationships are about constant growth. Sometimes I feel that I had done a great job, but my wife is the judge. I have learned to view her score as a challenge to improve, and a compliment that she cares enough to let me improve. I have occasionally used a 1 - 10 scale to quantitate more delicate issues and determine the level of need.

     Early in my marriage my wife and I didn’t check our “scoreboards,” and unfortunately these unresolved issues began to build tension in our marriage. On one particularly stress-filled day, I decided that it would be a good idea for the two of us to get out and go on a date. Friday night arrived, and we found ourselves particularly irritated with one another, and were hardly in the mood for a date. Regardless, we put on our best clothes, jumped in the car, and headed downtown. Perhaps a little dancing and romancing would break up the tension and get us back on track.

     We hadn’t been in the car long when the conversation turned to our underlying frustrations with one another. My wife snapped, “Why haven’t you spoken to me all week?” Indignantly I replied, “Because you have been disrespectful to me.” Suddenly all pent-up emotions we had been ignoring for months exploded. Hiroshima and Chernobyl only barely surpassed the explosion of anger going off in that car. Almost immediately we both began yelling as loud as we could at the same time, saying the same thing over and over and over again.

        “No! You’re not listening to me….”
        “No, no! You’re not listening to me…”
         Silence.
        I was furious, “This is crazy! Am I six again?”  I thought to myself.

     The next few moments I will remember for the rest of my life. Perhaps it hit me the absurdity of the situation, but I began to laugh, louder and heavier with each breath.  Physicians say that one of the best methods to relieve tension is laughter, but they could not have been more dead wrong. Never, ever laugh at an angry woman. The glare I received from my normally happy wife chilled my inner core.

    An old proverb says, “When you find yourself in a hole – stop digging.” I realized that if I had just let go of my arrogance of always being right and listened to what my wife was trying to tell me, our conversation would have lasted a lot less time. In the end I would have earned her respect, and we would have shared a wonderful evening of both our needs being filled.

    I had become selfish. I was not filling her needs because I was so consumed with trying to get her to fill my needs. I justified selfishness because I felt she was in the wrong too. I had resorted back to being “six again.” Looking back, I cannot believe how immature I acted that infamous evening in the car. If I had been a leader, I would’ve focused on her needs and potentially have adverted a now embarrassing memory.

    After our big fight that Friday night, I realized it was time to make major adjustments to my attitude so that our relationship could grow and improve. I had lost sight of the Big Picture, or “the mission is more important than my mission.” I had allowed my ego to get so big that I had forgotten what the really important principle was – putting my wife’s needs before my own.

     Since that terrible evening, I have learned to keep a regular check on my scoreboard, and make the proper adjustments to my offensive strategy, if necessary. Even in the game of life, it is no fun if you have no idea where you stand or where you need to make improvement. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to relationships. If you take the effort to actively discover where you can improve, you will reap fantastic rewards.

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